we do through the motions of every day life, but for what exactly? so i can fit in those jeans or impress a person that could care less? I am sometimes discouraged to keep trying when it seems so much is against me. people that tell you they love you always leave you for someone else. the friend you thought was solid as a rock pretends he doesn’t know you when he can’t physically see you and you’re separated for more than a few days, so good luck with that. maybe it is a sign that i must focus on myself. i shouldn’t give a shit what i look like in a man’s eyes or try to impress those that could care less. maybe its time for me to work my ass off for me. because ultimately, my biggest critic and biggest fan is myself, and if i can’t impress myself i am doing something wrong. no more getting left behind, no more falling for fake love. this is my time. i will own it.

that’s how long i have been trying. i’ve gone from couch potato to fitness queen spending hours at the gym and eating right. and yet somehow i have no milestones, no goals, so pride, nothing. Why is it the harder we try, the harder we fall? I know life isn’t supposed to be easy by any means, but a glimmer of hope or progress isn’t too much to ask for I don’t think. I try everyday to say something positive about myself and I can’t do it. So i ask you, anyone that cares, why do we try?

I try very hard to forgive (I never forget). I try hard to keep my head up and be optimistic, but it is very hard when I am constantly knocked down. Thankfully I have tumblr so I can express exactly how I feel without being watched on facebook or twitter. I feel betrayed and used. It bothers me that 21 year old girls are so petty, insecure, and mean. I haven’t had the perfect life, I don’t have two parents and i have gone through struggles, but I dont make any excuses for my behavior. I accept responsibility for my actions because that is how I was raised. I have no friends at school because I see through and don’t forget the bitches that walk all over people. No one walks on me and disrespects me. It is a line from my favorite movie, but the next time any petty, useless piece of trash girl whines or gets pissed at me for no reason I am going to buy them a present: I’m going to buy them a big wooden cross, so that the next time they feel under appreciated or feel unnoticed for their sacrifices, they can climb up and nail themselves to it. I try very hard to be as fair as possible and as generous as I was raised. It becomes increasingly harder when the people I try and give to and selfish, rude, and pathetic excuses for friends. Attacked twice in one week? I don’t think so. I might be alone, I might not have anyone in this state i can count on, but I have my family, myself, and my mind. If that’s all I get for the next year and a half until I graduate, I’ll be okay with that. At least I’ll be able to look at myself in the mirror and be happy that I remained true to myself.

“trust is like a mirror, if it is broken you can fix it, but you will always be able to the crack in the mother fucker’s reflection” -LG

If this night got any worse I would probably be dead. I not only failed my first college exam, but i was also hit in the face and my car got stuck in the snow twice. i know it doesnt sound so tragic, but all in one day really took it out of me. i hope tomorrow it better and that i dont have a concussion :(

i am seriously struggling over here. i need advice or help or something. i dont like to tell family big news in case it falls through because then i end up disappointing people. i want to apply to medical school, but the road is a lot tougher that i would have expected. although i will have 2 degrees in about a year, they won’t equal what is required to take the MCATs or even apply. I dont know if i should give up on the dream or go for it. but i dont want to look back in 10 years and say “i wish i had gone to medical school.” i know life has a plan for me, but i wish it could show its cards, because I feel lost